Not Really How I Feel
by Berserker Nightwitch
Summary: Johnny thinking about Ponyboy and how the gang interacts with him. Oneshot with NO SLASH!


Not Really How I Feel

~

"Your family sure is funny."

"And what happens to be so funny about it?" he asked stiffly.

I look at him quickly. "I didn't mean nothing. I meant, well, Soda kinda looks like your mother did, but he acts just exactly like your father. And Darry is the spittin' image of your father, but he ain't wild and laughing all the time like he was. He acts like your mother. And you don't act like either one"

"I know," he said.

But I didn't really feel that way, not when I started thinking about it. Sure, Ponyboy doesn't look like either of his parents, but he's a combination of both of them, with a little of something just him thrown into the mix. And he doesn't really act like one or the other either, I reasoned. He's not wild and always joking like Darryl, but he also wasn't always serious, like Cheyenne tended to be. It wasn't that she didn't know how to have fun, though, she just needed to balance out her husband and second son.

Ponyboy could be serious when he wanted to be, and he had her soft voice, but he could also act up just as well as his father when he wanted to. Pony is an individual. He reads. He jokes. He walks. He bounces. He has all kinds of moods. And he likes to get deep with things. Just like that poem he recited to me. He remembered it because he didn't understand it. Any of the rest of the gang would have forgotten about it in a heartbeat, if they would even bother to read it in the first place.

I'm thinking about all of this while I watch Pony sleep. He's curled up on his side. He smoked himself sick again. Even though this has happened twice already in the short time we've been here, we both know it won't be the last. He's too high-strung right now to cut back. He's pale, even more pale looking with his hair that color. I look up as he whimpers, wondering what I'll do if he has one of those nightmares while we're up here.

Yeah, I know about those. I think the whole gang does. We've all been woken up to them at one time or another. We all crash at the Curtis house, after all. But back to what I was saying. He's one of a kind. I don't know anyone else who was so deep at his age. He's kinda young to think about things so in detail. But that's what makes him our Ponyboy.

When I told him I was sorry for dragging a thirteen-year-old little kid, he almost bit my head off. He's real sensitive about his age. I guess that could be because he's the youngest Greaser. No one's sure how that worked out, but Pony's not only the Curtis baby, but the Greaser baby as well. And even if we don't always act like it, any of us would do anything for him.

Take Steve for example. Pony honestly believes Steve hates him. In reality, Steve just doesn't know any other way to act around him. No one knows this, but Steve's terrified whenever Pony's around. He had an older sister once. The Socs got hold of her and beat her up. They took it too far, and she died. It couldn't be proven though, so the Socs weren't blamed. Only a few months later, Pony was born. Steve was already friends with Soda at that time, and even at the age of three, it was clear to both of them that Ponyboy needed to be protected from the world.

Steve's so scared that something bad will happen to Pony that he isn't very kind to him. There are times when he doesn't want Ponyboy around just because he wants to hang out with people his own age, but usually he doesn't want to see Ponyboy hurt. Steve was the first one to throw a rock at the Socs' car when they jumped Pony after that movie. He was so angry.

Darry's the same way. He'll do whatever he can to protect Ponyboy. Unfortunately, that makes him a little too overprotective. He must have been really scared when Ponyboy didn't come home that night. Darry's got a real short temper, though, so that's probably why he hit Ponyboy.

So now I'm sittin' here, watching over the baby of our group, thinking about him and his family – our family. It's starting to get cold, so I move closer to him and put Dally's jacket around him. He's smiling a little in his sleep now. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Probably being in the country with his family. His entire family. He's moving a little closer to me now. I guess he can feel my warmth or something. I've always heard that body heat was stronger than a jacket or blanket.

He seems so much smaller; more fragile when he sleeps. It's like one wrong move and he'll break. He won't though. The entire gang's made sure of that. We let him deal with just enough stuff on his own that he can handle things if we're ever not there to help him out. Thinking so much is making me tired, 'cause it's getting pretty hard to keep my eyes open. Pony's using my lap as a pillow, though, so I can't exactly move. That's okay, though. I'm doing my part to help him.

When I woke up, he was climbing the wall of the church. From the inside. He must have gotten bored. While his attention's diverted, I take a second to check up on him. He's a lot paler than he was a few days ago. Spending so much time inside does that to a person. He's also looking thinner. He hasn't touched the bologna in two days, and looks green whenever I try to convince him to eat. I hope we run out of food soon so I can get a change in our diet.

"Hey Johnny!" I look up and see him stretched out across one of the rafters inside the building. He's grinning at me crazily. He must be bored out of his mind to be acting so much like Two-Bit and Sodapop.

"Hey, Pony. Why don't you come down here? You're gonna break your neck up there, and then where'll we be?" I try to sound like a responsible adult, but Ponyboy just grins at me again and jumps down.

"Hey Johnny?"

"Hmm?"

"Have you ever watched the sun turn into stars?"

"What?"

"At sunset. It's like the sun breaks up as soon as it goes below the horizon. I know it's just that the sunlight hides the stars during the day, but sometimes it just seems like it's still the sun, watching over us even though the day's over." I watch him for a moment while he sits back and thinks to himself. Just as I'm getting ready to answer, he smiles at me again. 

"I bet you I could beat you at poker today!" And with that, he jumps up and bounds over to where we keep the deck of cards. Yes, when compared to his brothers, he's nothing like his parents. But that's not really how I feel at all.

~

A/N: Me again! Once I came back from the dead, I got two fics done! Believe it or not, this was intended to be a 100 word (maximum) drabble to help me get back in the swing of writing. I guess it wanted to be more, ne? Please review and let me know what you thought of it. If you think I should continue with this genre (Outsiders, or books in general) let me know. I've got an idea for a multi-chapter fic for Outsiders, but I won't do it unless I get enough feedback for this.

Here's a rough summary:

Dally and Johnny are dead right? Then how is Dally coming through the front door? And who is this person who looks like Johnny?

Basically, I hated that Johnny and Dally died, so I'm writing my own ending. Tell me if I should go with it? Thankies, now please review!!


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